How do you stay in control? This whole social distancing and isolation makes my grief journey so much harder. It's taken me from being surrounded by friends, co-workers and at times my family to just me and my 12yr old son. I thought I was doing well on this grief journey. I wasn't diving head first into the rabbit hole of grief. I used to do that a lot. One small thing could spiral and I would just dive in. The grief loop is hard to get off, which is why being with friends or co-workers always helped me. Now, it's me, my thoughts, wondering... so much time spent wondering! Wondering if I am not processing my grief, wondering if my decisions I am making for my son are the right ones. But one thing for sure that keeps me up at night is this horrible virus! What if I get sick? It's just me and my son. I should know better - you can't control anything. I couldn't control my husbands cancer diagnosis. I couldn't control him dying in 5 weeks. So why do I think I could control this. Outside of truly staying inside (which is what I am doing - cause of the Covid), but it won't stay this way forever.
I have never been in control. My control issues started when I was 12. When I lost my dad to cancer. I developed then my control issues. I couldn't control my mom dying when I was 29, I couldn't control the 4 miscarriages, I couldn't control any of it. So when you know you have problem, how do you solve it? What steps do you take? Do you listen to the "influencers" who say it's a mind shift? I guess you can. I do mind shift pretty much all day or I would be a pile of mush in bed. But moving through grief isn't as easy as a mind shift. It's not! It's more of a constant dialogue with myself. Over and over, you have to tell yourself to keep walking, crawling, moving forward! In the end, with this lesson we are all learning - you can't control anything in life - not really! All we can do, All I can do, is stay present, take the information I have, and make the best decision possible.
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