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  • Kathleen Gordon Yeo

Control - when you are so out of control

Updated: Apr 28, 2021

How do you stay in control? This whole social distancing and isolation makes my grief journey so much harder. It's taken me from being surrounded by friends, co-workers and at times my family to just me and my 12yr old son. I thought I was doing well on this grief journey. I wasn't diving head first into the rabbit hole of grief. I used to do that a lot. One small thing could spiral and I would just dive in. The grief loop is hard to get off, which is why being with friends or co-workers always helped me. Now, it's me, my thoughts, wondering... so much time spent wondering! Wondering if I am not processing my grief, wondering if my decisions I am making for my son are the right ones. But one thing for sure that keeps me up at night is this horrible virus! What if I get sick? It's just me and my son. I should know better - you can't control anything. I couldn't control my husbands cancer diagnosis. I couldn't control him dying in 5 weeks. So why do I think I could control this. Outside of truly staying inside (which is what I am doing - cause of the Covid), but it won't stay this way forever.

I have never been in control. My control issues started when I was 12. When I lost my dad to cancer. I developed then my control issues. I couldn't control my mom dying when I was 29, I couldn't control the 4 miscarriages, I couldn't control any of it. So when you know you have problem, how do you solve it? What steps do you take? Do you listen to the "influencers" who say it's a mind shift? I guess you can. I do mind shift pretty much all day or I would be a pile of mush in bed. But moving through grief isn't as easy as a mind shift. It's not! It's more of a constant dialogue with myself. Over and over, you have to tell yourself to keep walking, crawling, moving forward! In the end, with this lesson we are all learning - you can't control anything in life - not really! All we can do, All I can do, is stay present, take the information I have, and make the best decision possible.

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